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Lonely Planet To Release "Shithole" Series of Country Guides


AP-Lonely Planet, known for their study and map guides to countries all over the world, will be releasing a new series based upon the President's recent trips to countries he deemed "Shitholes". In order to accommodate the new designation, Lonely Planet will be sure to include these "Shithole countries" in their upcoming releases for 2018.
"We want to make sure we have everything accurate," said editor Rod Shanks. "Whatever the President said, we want to be consistent with that.
Countries have been picked out, but the names have not yet been released. "Lonely Planet prides itself on impeccable grace and tact. Once we know exactly what regions and countries are targeted as 'Shitholes', we will be working fast to make sure they get out there so the public is aware. Tourism can still be huge, even in Shithole countries. Shithole states such as Vermont, for example, still get tourists."
Lonely Planet promises to provide colorful verbiage and nomenclature for each Shithole country it will research.

New Classic Panasonic Mini-3DO Fails to Sell a Single Unit During Holiday Launch


NEWARK, NJ--Going for a nostalgic angle this holiday season, Panasonic has launched a mini-version of their 3DO video game system originally released in 1993. The system was sold for retail $699.00 at the time, which rich kid Aldon Saxon recalls with fondness.
"I remember waking up on Christmas day in 1993, being 8 years old, and unwrapping the 3DO. I had the Super NES, and a Genesis, but this completed my video game system collection. I was happy. It made up for the fact that my parents did not give me an ATV for my birthday earlier that year, like I asked."
For fans of the 3DO such as Saxon, there was a buzz around the rumor that Panasonic would be releasing a compact version of their original production, loaded with 2 of their games. No add-ons or controllers would come with the product, and it would be sold at a retail of $199.99, which the makers of the 3DO were proud of.
"Think about it," said founder Trip Hawkins, "you get to relive your past as the kid on the block who got everything he wanted growing up, and play the best console around in the 1990's, for a fraction of what originally cost."
A wireless controller would be sold separately at $39.99, and an HDMI cable connecting the console to your TV would also be available separately. The games that come with the mini-console are the classic hits "Gex" and "Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise".
On the release date of December 6, 2016, however, no units were sold. Even original console owner Saxon said he "couldn't justify the purchase."
"I am waiting for someone else first, I guess, to see how it plays out," said Saxon.
Currently, many eBay users are waiting for the units to sell out, so they can re-sell the consoles for 3 times the price, as they are doing with the NES Classic, another mini console featuring 30 classic games.
"I waited for 6 hours for Target to sell out," said eBay user Michael Hymes. "But they're stuck on the shelf. All 6 of them."
GameStop is having the same problem. "We can't get them off the shelves fast enough," said local owner Shane Delledonne. "It's just like back in 1993. No one wants one. Everyone's waiting for the rich kids to buy them."
For Aldon Saxon, he's just too grown up for it. "I mean yeah I'd love to play 'Gex' again; but I'm a family man now who travels 360 days of the year and manages accounts all over the world. I don't have time to sit down with my kids and replicate what I experienced when I was a kid. It's just not feasible these days."
Until then, Panasonic is sure they will be manufacturing more as demand finally takes place.
"We're just waiting," said Panasonic executive Joshua Tolman. "We're sure this holiday season will want at of these things."
So far, has registered 7 complaints of availability, that the price still has not gone down from a "ludicrous" $199.99 retail price.

Mutual Friends of Married Couple "Deeply Concerned" With Estranged Facebook Relationship

ATLANTA, GA -- Friends of Allie and Steven Casper, married 4 years, have begun to notice an absence of recent posts on the social media outlet Facebook, and they're reportedly beginning to worry.

"When they were single, they used to post all the time. Allie loved posting cute pictures of the skyline, and sometimes funny pictures of a messy burger she was eating. And Steve would always post links to crazy news stories he'd run across," said friend Sadie Burnside, a Facebook friend of both for the past 8 years. While she hadn't seen either one of them physically for over 15 years, she said she "kept in touch pretty well" with them over the site.

"I'd always notice wherever they checked in, and made sure to 'Like' an important status, just to let them know I still cared about them."

Todd Albertson, a Facebook friend of Steve, noticed a change immediately after they were married. "I remember the 'Engagement' status change and I thought, 'Wow, Steve's really grown up.' But now, I barely see anything on his page. Occasionally they'll both check into a restaurant or a hotel but nothing after that. No pictures, no comments. It's as if they just...don't exist anymore."

One friend, Taylor Shales, a cousin of Allie's, nearly reported them "Missing" to Facebook admin--but was talked out of it, when her mother reportedly got a text message from Allie inviting her to dinner one night.
"I thought it was crazy that we'd get a text, directly from Allie. But absolutely nothing on Facebook. Not a word. No event posting, nothing."

Though friends who have seen Allie and Steve recently in person have noted their public displays of affection still intact and their cozy demeanor, the friends of Facebook think it's just a "facade."

"Maybe IRL they look happy," said another friend, who had known them for about three months after meeting them at a wine tasting party, "But here we see what's really going on--they're drifting apart. And they definitely don't seem to see any friends lately."

Allie and Steve could not be reached for comment, as they had recently left for a two week vacation in Florence, Italy.

Dyslexic Psychic Boasts She Can Perfectly Predict the Past


TOPEKA, KS - A local psychic, Darla Spires, claims she has visions of the past with crystal clarity and can predict some of the world's worst distasters that have ever happened.
"I 1941...we are attacked by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor," said Spires, concentrating hard with her eyes shut tightly. She has unfortunately had very little success in attracting customers, however. But she maintains it is not because of her dyslexia, which only allows her to predict things that have already happened.
"I know it is difficult for people to know and understand time, but if they could only see that I have seen that we have evolved through time, and allow me to show them these visions, they would benefit greatly!" she said, looking at her crystal ball with much fervor.
Townspeople, though, are unmoved. "She can't really tell me what's going to happen to me," said Arnold Forlin, who two weeks prior to seeing her had injured his hand in a work related accident. "She told me I'd hurt my hand at work. All I did was show her the bandages, and she thought she'd done me a favor. Could've used her two weeks before that, but now, not so much."
Still, she pursues what she calls "her calling" and her "gift" should be appreciated. "Tell me what has happened, and I can see it for you!" she offered.
The other drawback is that she reads Tarot cards backward as well, confusing people. "She drew the Death card first and said everything would be fine, then two days later I lost my job," said Morna Banks, a former executive at a local bank. "Then when I came back she drew some card with angels on it and said to beware that something was going to change. What gives?"
Darla has not given up, nor does she plan to, as she says her profession is very necessary in this world. "You look up to the stars and you want answers. I can tell you all of them! I have all of them!" she claims.
"Yeah, so do we," Banks had retorted, after we had told her what Spires had said. "Thanks a lot for nothing."
Spires continues to work  most days, but says Mondays are bad because she does not like working at the end of the week.

Retail Stores To Introduce "Black New Year's" Discount Shopping


MADISON, WI - Popular retail stores have decided to get an even earlier jump on holiday seasonal shopping by blending resolutions with gift binging. This New Year's, hundreds of outlet stores will be introducing mega deals, slashing prices all over the place to entice early bird go-getters.
"We thought, why wait until Thanksgiving to give out great deals? Let's start the year right, and get people thinking about the holidays as early as possible," said retail manager Tret Loder. "I think it's great for shoppers, and great for the economy. Forget the hangover of New Year's, come to our store and get a great deal."
With retail stores trying to get a jump on discount shopping earlier and earlier, it's no surprise that some have thought so outside the box, that they have effectively left the entire planet.
"I know the holidays are just over, but it's like that old saying soon as something ends, something new begins. So we really want people to have next year's holidays in mind as soon as we can," said Mariella Thompson, owner of a local retail store that's joined this new revolution. "We may as well be trail blazers. Like K-Mart was."
No telling how many stores will adopt this new approach; but Larry Morder is optimistic about the future of the idea. "I think it'll catch on like wildfire. I mean, you've got nothing going on usually that day. So why not shop?"
When asked about the fact that most stores are closed on New Year's, the retail stores have said that's just better for them. "You can shop with us, and get great deals. Hope to see you there!" said Morder.

Protest Halted As Protestors Debate What They Want and When They Want It


PORTLAND, OR – A gathering of protestors stopped marching temporarily to decide what they should protest on an early Friday morning, sources say. Leaders of the protest, Skylar Danning and Trinity Claira Barnes-Smith were reached for comment. 

“We just want to be sure what we’re protesting before we start, so that it’s a clear message we send,” said Danning, whose tattooed arm was locked in her life partner’s. The other arm was holding a blank sign. “When we figure it out, this will have a really powerful message on it,” she indicated the sign, rocking it back and forth in her grasp.

Spirits were still high though no decision had been made yet. “Trin made a really excellent vegan casserole that we’re all enjoying,” said Sparta Jones, a frequent protestor but admitted infrequent bather. Decked out in a tee shirt bemoaning peace, he still maintains he isn’t sure exactly what the protest will be about today. “Will it be about peace? Probably. Most things are you know.”

Protestors munched on quinoa, oats and sautéed beets as they mulled over a list of things to protest for the day. “When you start ‘What do we want?’ you’d better know exactly what that answer is,” said Serrah Glipit, whose long flowing flower dress, she said, represented nature. “I say, I want to stop corporate greed. So what do we want? Freedom from corporate greed? When do I want it? I can’t think of a better time than right this moment.”

“We’re just hoping we get it all together before the man comes out and tries to break us up,” said Trevin Mathis. “I’m runnin’ out of natural tobacco, and I’m not buying boxed cigarettes. What do I want? Natural tobacco. And I could wait, because I still have some left. You know?”

The protestors remarked that they have enough food and bottled water for the day to survive while they flesh out their plan. “Walnut butter sandwiches, rhubarb crisp, mandrake fritters…we’ve got it all. We just need a slogan now,” said Mylar Barnett, stroking his long unkempt beard. “Personally I want a world with all natural helium bars. Don’t know about you but that would be righteous.”

Police on the scene said they would put on the riot gear when the protestors have made up their mind on what they want to protest. "Especially if it's freedom against the police," said Officer Glenn Bainesworth.

Some protestors have grown worried due to the decreasing battery strength of their iPhones. "Mine's got one bar left," said Clarity Garrison. "I'm gonna have to charge it some time. So I'd say I want more battery life and I want it pretty soon."

As it stands, the protestors have 3 top slogans of which they will play a game of Cantonese Freeze Chess before deciding which will win and the protest can begin.

Report: Babies That Don't Have Thousands of Photos Taken of Them Grow Up To Be "Miserable Pricks"


BALTIMORE, MD - A recent study done at Johns Hopkins University shows that babies who are not constantly being photographed to appease parents' obsessive-compulsive need for future collages of growing up will most likely develop into "heartless asswipes" and "miserable pricks" among other dubious connotations. Ergo, according to the study, those who are negatively affected by photo albums on such social networks as Facebook should just "wake up and embrace it."
Doctor Grant Ashford, a leading physician dedicated to the study, had the first breakthrough. "It started with my best friend Aaron's son Michael. Aaron had a really bad camera from his old Nokia cell phone. I kept telling him to upgrade it but he wouldn't listen to me. Meanwhile, Daina and I have all the latest apps. So he couldn't take too many pictures of Michael. Meanwhile, our son Jarian probably has about 50,000 photos taken from birth to now, which is about 6 months old. Well, he is a happy little baby. Michael, meanwhile? He doesn't talk to anyone, and he is about 1 year old. His first birthday party was a real downer. It was then that I realized I was onto something."
Ashford admits some of his facebook friends complained about the fact that they were constantly being tagged in photos of Jarian, but he maintained these were close friends of his that always read his wall anyway. "I figure I'd make it easier for them to see our beautiful Jarian grow. And when our new daughter, Licha, is born in a few months, we can't wait to start taking pictures of her as well."
High school friend Tim Barnes, though, disagrees with this approach. "It's great that Grant's got some beautiful kids, really. But I have other things I'd rather do on Facebook than look at thousands of pictures that look exactly like each other, frankly. And really, I don't go on Facebook that often but my email keeps giving me all these updates that I'm being tagged in photos."
Doctor Ashford has been joined by some other colleagues that make similar claims about how happy and healthy their babies are. "My I-phone takes great pictures. I don't even need a separate camera," said Doctor Wendi Gamma, who has 3 children of her own. "My youngest, Symantha, is just the happiest little girl you've ever seen. I think we have over two million pictures of her. We made virtual flip books! According to my husband Buford, everybody loves them!"
But Dr. Gamma professes she sees a very different scenario when she goes to visit her best friend Sarah Gellan's house and sees her 3 year old daughter, Iola, "just so sad". And you know how many pictures they have of her? Less than 20. I asked. I haven't been over there in a while now, in fact. Sarah doesn't really answer the phone a lot lately. She's probably busy," says Dr. Gamma.
Dr. Ashford goes further in discussing the futures of these photographless children and states that they will most likely turn into very unfortunate and mean people. "You look around see them all the time. Whenever I'm in the Inner Harbor, I see a lot of unhappy people and I think...I bet they never really had a lot of pictures taken of them at the most critical time in their life...when they're babies."
"And look throughout history!" he continues. "Look at the black plague. You think those people had pictures taken of them? I don't think the technology even came around for that until something like the Renaissance times. And even then it was probably really limited. Look at Shakespeare. He wrote some of the most depressing stories ever! 'Romeo and Juliet'! Think of those two were photographed more. Would they have killed themselves? We can probably trace this back to Adam and Eve. Maybe God could've painted them a few times during their baby-toddler phase. Then we wouldn't be where we are right now in the world. Who knows?"
One thing is for sure, though, according to Dr. Ashford--any second a baby isn't being photographed, gives them a higher chance of becoming a miserable prick or "insufferable jerk". "It's something we all have to fear as parents of the future."

Customer Service Rep Just Went There


NEWARK, NJ - On Friday, just before lunch, it was confirmed that Darius Johnson, a customer service representative at a call center located in downtown Newark, just went there.
"I couldn't believe it," said Human Resources representative, Heather Rossum. "It was like, we were just joking around, saying how happy we were it was finally Friday, and all of the sudden Darius just went there. Like, things just got real, real fast."
Allegedly what transpired was the following: Julius Leighton, the second floor IT associate, was scheduled to make an upgrade to the networks at 5pm on Thursday. According to sources, that upgrade took place at around 5:17pm, long after everyone had gone home for the day. But Darius Johnson, who reports at 7:30am Monday through Friday, had sent an email to Julius on Friday morning letting him know that his network connection was still faulty. After waiting "hours", he had not heard back from Leighton.
"And so I guess, we were just saying how things have gotten so much worse lately," said Michele Brighton, a fellow customer service representative, who recently welcomed her second newborn baby into the world. "I just came back to work on Monday. And I always had a good rapport with Darius, so I thought he was just venting at first. I didn't realize that, really, he just went there."
David Howard, the operations manager, was called in at approximately 2:15pm, to investigate the situation. "We had heard about some network issues that day," he said. But company records reported no other work stations were affected, apart from Johnson's. "So we recognized there needed to be immediate action. And we felt that we were doing everything necessary. Why Darius felt he had to go there, well--we really don't have an answer for that now."
Darius was unavailable for comment. But according to Gerard Silikus, an IT senior advisor, "The things he said were just unnecessary. I think it was unprofessional."
According to an anonymous source, that reportedly works in a cubicle adjacent to Johnson's, he had gone there before. And not very long ago.
"He sometimes doesn't know his own responsibilites. Like, if you're going to go there, you'd better understand where exactly you are going and why," said the source. "We all want to go there sometimes. We even do, when we feel it's appropriate. But if we're going to go there, we understand that it's just about keeping it real. And Darius lost that perspective on that day. And it's happened before."
Human Resources was immediately brought in to diffuse the situation. But according to Team Leader Ben Gittinger, it "didn't matter." "We were past being sympathetic. You say to yourself, 'Oh, no, he did not.' And then you realize, he just did. And then you're left with the consequences. Well, he needs to understand that he's accountable for that."
"It changed everything about Friday," said co-worker Lance Branister, working in sales. "I mean, one minute you're thinking, 'TGIF'. Then the next you're thinking, 'FML.' Because he just went there."
The rest of the office was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for Johnson stated: "We understand that this has affected the entire company. It goes beyond just this office. We're working together to make the situation right. [Darius] apologizes for his actions and will work with the appropriate parties to make sure something like this is not repeated. These are economic times when a position is highly regarded by every associate. And every individual should understand their position in a given company and realize that when you have to go there, you must consider what the cost is. Actions will be taken to make sure this is not repeated."
No further developments have happened since the incident. It was reported that a few co-workers got together at a local Chili's establishment to have "a few" after work to celebrate the upcoming weekend. When asked if they heard about Johnson's actions, they simply responded, "If he's going to Chili's, we won't go there."

Local Bro Dies Due To Dairy Queen Bet


SHAUMBURG, IL - The quiet, peaceful surburb of Schaumburg, Illinois was shattered when the body of Derrick Baylor was discovered in his bedroom (pictured, center). Allegedly "chillaxin" after accepting a dare bet involving the fast food ice cream chain Dairy Queen, Derrick Baylor, 22, was laying next to his bed, covered in chocolate syrup and ice cream, with empty containers of Blizzards and other Dairy Queen items strewn about the room. At first thought to be a suicide, Derrick's "bros" confirmed that he was just acting on a bet that was laid out during Sunday night's finale of "Entourage".
"We were all like sad that our favorite show on the planet was ending, brah," said Tyson Murphy, a friend and fellow member of the Sig Chi Alpha fraternity. "So we had this massive party and shit," he said. "We musta done like 5 kegstands each, in record time."
Another friend of Baylor's, Bryce Princeton III, also confirmed the story. "We were gonna watch the Cubs game but I think one of us passed out sometime. Then T got this idea to do a truth or dare but not like that gay shit that chicks we were like, Truth or Dairy Queen. We were fuckin' laughin for hours, for reals, bro," said Bryce. "Like a champ, Derrick stands up and pops his collar and he's all, I'll own that shit, bromides. So we're all, Truth...and he's scared, we could tell, because he knew we were gonna make him tell us about Melissa Gilbert. We knew he fucked her, even though he was drunk. She's totes ugly as hell. See he was all tryin' to bang Ashley Mason? But she's got a boyfriend and shit. Todd McKenzie. So Derrick's all scared and he goes, Dairy Queen."
"We roll out to DQ, first hittin up the Bell for some of those flatbread sandwiches," said Murphy, pausing for a moment to adjust his Livestrong bracelet, "and then we're all...order like $50 of DQ shit and you gotta eat all of it in 10 minutes, broseph."
According to his friends, Derrick went ahead with the purchase, buying what amounted to over six quarts of ice cream. "Bro had blizzards, like 3 Dilly Bars, 4 dipped cones, and 2 Buster bars and shit," reported Murphy. Bryce Princeton III backed up the claim. "Totes," he confirmed.
At approximately 12:15am, the boys headed back to Tyson's house to drink more, but Derrick complained of stomach pains. "He was holdin' himself and cryin' like a little bitch," said Bryce, who was driving. "I told him to man up and have a Miller Lite and shut up."
His complaints persisted, so the two dropped him off at his house "like the little whiney bitch he is" and then drove back to Bryce's house where the two drank until they were no longer conscious. They claimed his last words before going into his house were, "Fuck, bros. This sucks."
The next day, Derrick's father, Garrett, discovered him. "I was coming back from golfing," he said. "I got sunburned so I went into Derrick's room to get some aloe, and see if he had any Ax Spray left. I use it sometimes," he confessed. "I saw him laying on the floor, and I was going to haze him a little because he was out so late again. But he was unresponsive."
He called 911, but efforts to revive him proved ineffective. Derrick was pronounced dead at the scene, and his time of death was some time around 1am. The cause has yet to be determined, but after all of the ice cream, Taco Bell, and beer he had consumed, doctors are fairly certain it was overconsumption of any of those products. Friends and neighbors said Derrick was a "great kid" and "always stood up for the little guy."
"I always saw him with his arms around that little fat kid, Francis, down the street," recalled his father. "He had him pretty tight, too, so the two must have been good friends. Sometimes Francis would fall down because Derrick was holding him too tight. I'd always laugh, but Francis would get up quick enough."
"We just don't know what to say, bro," said Tyson, opening a metal can of Miller Light. "Guess we'll have to drink with someone else, you know?"
A memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday, with a keg party scheduled for Saturday evening, following the funeral. "He would've wanted it that way," said his father. Ashley Mason wasn't reached for comment, but is rumored to have been "totally shocked" that Derrick died and "maybe could" attend the funeral service if her boyfriend says it's OK.

 Like OMG He Totally Said YES!!!!! :) :) :)



NEW HAVEN, CT – Reddenburgh High School was rocked by shocking news when Brandi Colgan reached Kayla Masney on her cell phone at around 3:48pm EST to let her know that Dylan Miller said “Yes” when she had asked him to accompany her to an upcoming pizza party at Tenelli's Pizza in downtown New Haven. The event is to take place this Friday at 7:00pm, after cheerleading practice.

“We like, could not believe it,” said Kayla, both of her hands shaking in front of her chest. “Like, this is DYLAN MILLER! THE? Most popular boy at the Red. It's like unbelievable,” she said through tears.

Carli Mendoza and Rachel Harwin also were reported to have been “totally shocked” but “sooo happy” for Brandi because this one time after third period, Dylan totally looked at her when he was by a drinking fountain with Ricky Vastic and Braiden Schmidt, who were on the football team. And when he smiled at her, she blushed and couldn't talk for like a million years.

“It's so awesome,” said an acquaintance, Tyler Madison. “I mean, she's been like talking about him FOREVER. Now it's so on. Like, this pizza place is totally crunk. I think they have really good lemonade and stuff?”

Brandi has not been reached for comment; but she has been seen recently “totally hyperventilating” and “going so crazy” she might “totally explode”.

Entire Saints Defense Reveals They Had Grade II MCL Tears In Seahawks Playoff Game

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA -- The New Orleans Saints have released a report indicating that the entire defensive unit that played in a 41-36 loss against the Seattle Seahawks in the Wildcard Round at Qwest Field on Saturday, January 8th, had been playing with a Grade II MCL tear.
"We knew something was wrong," said Defensive Captain and Defensive End Will Smith. "But unlike some people, we played through it."
Jay Cutler had been pulled from the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers for the same injury. But according to Defensive Back Jabari Greer, the Saints D wasn't going down that way.
"Some people just don't know how to play through the pain," said Greer. "Yeah, we're disappointed. But now we know what really was going on. We were all playing on something that normally you can't play on or even walk around without crutches."
Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams admitted he didn't want to give excuses, but said this was just "too obvious to ignore." "We're not saying we played well," he said. "But when you look at that 67 yard touchdown run by Marshawn Lynch, and you know the truth, you can feel the pain as those guys were bouncing off of him. They were trying to tackle him, strip the ball, whatever. But when you're in that kind of agony, what can you really expect?"
Head Coach Sean Payton regrets not pulling some of them. "We didn't know the severity. Obviously if we knew how bad it really was, maybe we would have done something different."
The Saints had a 17-7 lead early on in the game, but the Seahawks rallied and took a 34-20 lead heading into the 4th quarter. At that time, says defensive back Tracy Porter, something was not right.
"It didn't make did we let this happen? But then you feel that pain and say, 'Oh yeah. That's why,'", he said. "Look, we're world champions. And you look at your guys and say, hey, we can play through this. We're not going down like that. But how can the best defense in the league be giving up 20, 30 points to the worst playoff team ever? Well. I think you know the answer to that. Now."
Linebacker Jonathan Vilma points to the injury as the direct reason why they gave up so many big plays. "Your knees are good, you give up maybe 5 yards, not 50. People don't even realize that. They thought we played badly? No. We played outstandingly, but with that tear, big plays are inevitable. If anything, we're warriors."
"These guys play with intensity," said running back Reggie Bush, who had been sidelined much of the year with his own injuries. "You take away that MCL tear, I'd say you take away at least 10 of those points from Seattle. Give themm credit, but at the end of the day, you look at the score and it's 36-31 and we win. Now you're talking something very different, because we won the game instead of lost."
Last year's Super Bowl MVP and current Saints QB Drew Brees concurred. "That's what it means to be battle tested."


Real Life Harry Potter Does Not Enjoy Fictional Character's Popularity


KEENE, NEW HAMPSHIRE--For Harold Upton Potter, a seventeen year old junior at Keene High School, mistaken identity is a normal thing; but unfortunately for him, there's no magic spell that can prevent it from happening again and again. Harold, aka "Harry Potter", has been subjected to the same types of ridicule and inflammatory remarks as the J.K. Rowling hero, but has had none of the upside. He can't perform magic, and he isn't special. He also is unathletic and the ladies do not find him attractive.

"Basically, I wish my name wasn't Harry Potter," he confessed, asking repeatedly to be called Harold or Upton. "I prefer Upton, because I was named that after the great author of 'The Jungle', Upton Sinclair by my dad. I always looked up to my dad, and it was he that gave me the middle name, and Mom gave me this cursed name to which I have to live with."
Life was never easy for Potter, even before the books had come out. "When the first book came out, I was at a Waldenbooks and I said: 'Wow, look at that! My name!' Even though I wasn't really called Harry by anyone, it was kind of cool when that happens. But once it became this huge hit, everything changed. I'm also pretty much Harry, the character's, age. That doesn't help." Harry had dressed up as Harry Potter before the first movie came out, and according to Potter, things seemed okay.

The handsome Daniel Radcliffe

"I used to really like the books," he confessed. "But the last one that came out, the Blood Prince or whatever, I had no interest. I just want to separate myself from Harry Potter the character as much as I can."

He wants to change his name legally, but at the advice of some of his close friends, he hasn't done it because they claim he still has a "famous name" and it's bad luck to change it. "Seriously I'm this close to not caring," he said.

Subjected to teasing, especially his first time dressing up as Harry Potter the character, Harold at first tried getting into magic.

"I read some books on Wiccan magic," he said. "I read some Anton LeVay, but nothing worked."

Harold, dressing up for the first time.

Harold does wish there was such a thing as Hogwarts. "I think if there were really a Hogwarts, I'd fit in the way that Harry does in the books. But I don't get to get away from people like the Dursley's. They're all around me." Harold talked about being good at sports, like Harry is at Quidditch.

"Nope, tried everything. Baseball, basketball, golf, tennis, football, even hockey, nothing worked. I wasn't good at any of those things," he said.

He claimed a fondness for role-playing games, fantasy and science-fiction, and collecting swords. "I have a pretty amazing collection; but it's not really doing anthing for me socially, but I like it." He does not collect comic books or statuettes of any science-fiction or fantasy characters. "I'm not that bad," he claims.


But is life all bad for Harold Upton Potter? He says he does enjoy some things in life, and unlike the character, his parents are still living and very loving according to him. He also says he's relieved he doesn't have some kind of evil wizard monster like Voldemort, or as he instructed us to call him "You-Know-Who", but feels like sometimes "'You-Know-Who' can represent all the things that you're afraid of, and for me, it's pretty much everything. But I don't have a cool uncle like Sirius Black who can help me avoid it."
Life for Harold goes on, but he admits he can't wait until the books are over and he turns twenty-one, when he believes all of this will blow over. "Unless J.K. goes all George Lucas on us and goes back to write prequels about Harry's parents; or, does a J.R.R. and write a book about the history of all those creatures a la 'The Silmalarian', I should be okay." Until then, however, he must realize that although he shares the name of Harry Potter, he shares none of the glory, fame, or the adventures of the character.

Report: Business Gets Done Faster By White People


NEW YORK, NY--In a recent study done by experts at the New York Civil Rights Obstruction Association, it was concluded that in most of corporate America, businesses that are the most successful are mostly run by white people. Out of the 99 percent of businesses in America that are owned by whites, 100 percent of them are considered "more efficient" according to the study.

"It's really shocking," said Charles Mercer, CEO of Grand Electronics, and white. "I thought the thinking was minorities were doing more for this country. I guess this proves otherwise."

Most whites are in agreement that this study is very accurate, while some minorities question its motives and its accuracy.

"I don't think this represents the African American, Hispanic, or Asian population in the business world," said NCAAP speaker Moses Jones.

But whites aren't in agreement with this statement. "Look, we have proof now," said Congressman Jared Sidd-Rep, who wasn't expecting the results. "Of course liberals will be up in arms about how inaccurate and how wrong the study is; but numbers don't lie."

While blacks and other minorities feel misrepresented, whites say they can't argue with the facts. "We've done the research," said Hal Freeling, of the N.Y.C.R.O.A. "The proof is right there. We've seen a trend of laziness by minorities and a trend of efficiency by whites--and Jews, not surprisingly."

NCAAP Speaker Moses Jones, however, calls it "racist." "We are highly offended that this study was even done, much less published. Aren't we past this?"

The rebuttle by the N.Y.C.R.O.A. was simple: "It isn't racism. It's just how things are."

Democrats and Republicans are split on the results, but most agree that the study was "fair" and absolutely "necessary." "We need to know what minorities are doing for this country," said Governor Jim Boozer of Arkansas, a Democrat. "And maybe it's time to reasses the minority's role in this country."

There will be disputes, but the experts at N.Y.C.R.O.A. promise that it will be settled "by the numbers." "Minorities are mostly just jealous," said another speaker for the association, Josh Spieling. "That's so like them."

Management Meeting Halted by "Lost" Discussion


TRENTON, NJ--During an extended operations management meeting at the AllComm Networks corporate office about the new spreadsheets on implementation of innovative and inspirational ways of using Six Sigma, a manager named Ted Grieves used a metaphor for expediting business technics by "pushing the button" and "entering the numbers" to get people motivated. "Like in that show 'Lost'," he added, stopping the meeting suddenly. The moderator, Kelly Webster, lit up like a Christmas tree. "Oh my God did you WATCH IT LAST WEEK? Could you believe what is going on over there? And what about the fact that we still don't really know what's going on with Walt and The Others!" Instead of the meeting continuing, manager Eddie Barnes erupted and animatedly described how cool it would be to have won the lottery with the numbers "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". Fred Barker, another manager, chimed in as well, agreeing with Eddie but criticising the fact that it seems like "it takes forever for a new show. Aren't they on re-runs again?" The other managers agreed, but focused on the positives of the show. "It's still keeping my interest," said Kelly, "and I really can't wait to see what happens between that new girl and Sawyer. I think he's so hot!" Eddie Barnes also admitted his crush on the character Kate saying, "She is so hot, I would treat her better than Jack does."

After the coffee cakes arrived and a new batch of spreadsheets were distributed among the managers by the administrative assistant, it seemed the meeting was going to return to normal and be about business. But as the administrative assistant Maggie Dempkis was leaving, Eddie Blurted, "Doesn't she look just like Shannon?" Everyone agreed, munching on their coffee cakes, and Maggie Dempkis turned around.

"Everyone says that! And I hate her on that show!" she exclaimed.

"You watch 'Lost' too?" said Fred Barker.

The conversation continued, and the spreadsheets were put down for at least another half an hour. More was discussed on whether Sayid and Shannon would have more "alone" time, and if Charlie was going to propose to Claire and maybe there'd be a wedding on the show; also, what about Jack and Kate? Would they finally consummate? Who were the real Others? What if they didn't keep pushing that button? And when was a new episode going to be on? Finally, the conversation came to an end, and the meeting finally adjurned two and a half hours after it had started.

"It was a necessary tangent," said Eddie Barnes after the meeting. "We still got things done. But we had to talk about this. It was an important matter. I mean, who hasn't been tempted to use those numbers? And I'm still trying to figure out what 16 means."

"We had enough synergy going throughout the meeting, we needed a break, and this was perfect," lamented Kelly Webster, the moderator. "I just hope that next week the episodes start up again and we can continue discussing it. It hasn't gotten in the way of our business."

"I just hope Jack stops being such a meanie," said the administrative assistant, Maggie Dempkis. "He really is hot and seems cool, and I have such a crush on him--but he makes Sawyer look like a nice guy. Yeesh!"

VH1, Bravo, and E! Sign Hal Sparks To Appear In Next Ten "List" Shows


HOLLYWOOD, CA--Actor Hal Sparks, the attractive, hip and hilarious guest who frequents VH1's "List" shows such as "I Love the 80's" has just signed a deal with VH1, Bravo, and E! Entertainment Networks for the next ten upcoming "List" shows that each respective network will air. Sparks says the move is "smart, and practical" since he has no other projects coming up.


For VH1, some of the "List" shows in which he'll be included are "I Love the 80's Newspapers", "I Love the 80's Radio Broadcasts", "I Love the 90's Sports Announcers", "I Love the 80's Part Eight: Jason Takes Manhattan", and "The Top 100 I Love The 80's Moments". He is also working on developing the "I Love the 80's" Channel to come out in late December or early in 2006.


For Bravo, shows he'll be doing will include "The Top 50 Funniest Moments in 1980's History", "A&E Biography of Max Headroom", and "The Top 100 Scariest Hairdos in 1986".


For E!, shows he'll be involved with will include "The Top 50 Comedian/Singer-songwriters", "The Top 100 Fashion Mistakes of the 1990's", "The Top 50 Heterosexual Leading Men Who Portray Homosexuals", and "I Love 'I Love the 80's'".


Sparks is set to begin filming with these channels and has agreed to terms with all networks through different contracts, under the agreement that the only type of show he is used for is a "List" show. According to Laura Dean, an attourney speaking on behalf of the networks, "[Sparks] is not allowed to do anything unrelated to 'List' shows on these three stations. No reality, no biography, and no songwriting. He is only on to do one thing: make people laugh while they watch anything in the top 100 of something--and hope he's not really gay in real life."

Sparks wasn't available for comment, but approved the deals with thumbs-up and says he'll be ready when the projects start. After all of this, his attourney Matt Silver hinted at a "Top 100 Hal Sparks Moments in Top 100 List Shows History" special that may air on one of the three networks sometime in the near future.

Boyfriend Upset After Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him Through Text Message

MIDDLETOWN, OH--Jay Bartum, a seventeen year old teenager who goes to Greater Grace High School in Middletown, Ohio, was shocked and dismayed to learn that his girlfriend, sixteen year old Marta Bilks, no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. He was more distraught, however, when he learned of this through his Blackberry(tm) text message device that broadcast the text data at half-past eight o'clock on a Wednesday night, just after he had finished eating dinner with his family.

"I couldn't believe it," admitted Bartum, who attends three different classes with Marta Bilks, and lamented that that was how they originally met. "Now things are sure going to be awkward."

At first, he thought it was a joke.


"We were always saying stuff like that," he said tightly, choking up. "I didn't think it'd be serious this time, especially since we always had fun with that idea." He settled down and continued. "But I just don't know what the problem was. Things were going so well."

Marta and Jay had been going out for well over eight months, and according to Jay, had a "very meaningful" relationship. "We talked a lot," he said, "and we cuddled a lot. I told her I love hugging. I even made a tee-shirt that said so. I press tee-shirts a lot. She even said maybe someday...I could...make a living off of it." With that he broke into tears.


"All I've ever asked is for honesty. And commitment. And then after eating my mom's dinner I get this beep, you know? And I look down, and there's this message from Marta. And I start reading and...and I just couldn't believe it!" he said through tears.

To this day, Jay claims he still does not understand the reason for the break-up, but has said that it has been impossible to reach Marta since the text message.

"She doesn't return any of my messages anymore. Or my phone calls. And I think she's already seeing someone."

The following is the message from Marta Bilks:

h3y J-sry 2 B like this bt i thnk maybe it's betr if we don't C each other N E more. i am rul sry it's not U, i thnk that may B we R just betr off being FRNDS. :(

i no this is abrpt bt i have bin thnkng a lot about it lately. U need some time and space for UR t33 shirts and I need some time and space 2 figure thngs out. i f33l r33l bad but I no U will understand. i hope we can still B friends bcuz i cnt imagine life W/O U. U really R my best frnd but we just can't B 2g3th3r N E more. please understand. l8r.
@->->-- srrry...

Jay was also broken up about a matter even more serious than just going out with her. "I had bought an engagement ring," he said, blowing his nose. "Spent all my savings. It was a beautiful ring, too."

According to Jay, Marta does not know about the ring yet but he says he plans to show it to her by visiting her one night when he knows her dad isn't around and try to convince her to come back to him.

"I hope it works," he said, "it does in the movies."

About the message, he says he has it saved and will use it against her when he confronts her again. "I just can't believe she couldn't even just...pick up the phone and break up with me. It just seems so cheap and easy. It really sucks."

Jay plans to visit her next Friday, when he knows her parents will be away for the weekend. He says he is bringing a blanket and pillow in case he has to stay out in his car all night waiting for her as well.